At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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