In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
