who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
