I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
