are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
