I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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