my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
