i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
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