You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
