So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
a search helicopter?!
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
