My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
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