there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
