If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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