im drinking this country out of the recession.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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