so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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