I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
