I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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