I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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