when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
