the new term for farting is butt boxing.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
