stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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