just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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