You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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