Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
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