After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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