He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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