I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
