he thought i was a dude.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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