I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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