i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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