Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
