So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
