i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
