whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
