Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
