I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
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