yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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