I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
