2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
How does one acquire holy water?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
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