I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
