i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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