I heard we made out
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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