i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
