dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
We need to get me chipped asap
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
