My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
