I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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