If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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