I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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