we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
