I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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