U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
